What I've learned........

I've learned - that you cannot make someone love you. All you can
do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned - that no matter how much I care, some people are just
assholes.

I've learned - that it takes years to build up trust, and only
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen
minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned - that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the
person I want.

I've learned - that you can keep puking long after you think you're
finished.

I've learned - that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or you will be
offered medication.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is
at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money
to take its place.

I've learned - that money is a great substitute for character.

I've learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned - that true friendship continues to grow, until you get
your stuff back in the mail with no note.

I've learned - that just because someone doesn't love you the way
you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when
they're passed out and naked in your bed.

I've learned - that your family won't always be there for you. Of
course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the
screw-up, the missing one and the horse tooth girl will more than be there for
"you".

I've learned - that no matter how good a chick is, she'll only
contribute to your alcoholism.

I've learned - that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean
they don't have secret plans to move out.

I've learned - that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their
dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned - that two people can screw the exact same person and
compare notes.

I've learned - that no matter how you try to protect your children,
they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned - that overzealous customs agents can change your life
in a matter of hours.

I've learned - to say "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6
languages.