Everything I Ever Needed to Know, I Learned in KINDERGARTEN
by Matt Thomas

It's very uncool to pee in your pants. Physical violence is the best
means of resolving conflict. The world is a strange place: orange crayons
don't taste like oranges. Fat women like to wear polyester. The
tunnels in the playground smell like urine. Nap time comes right
after snack time. Tall people have more redeeming social value than
short people. Candy on the ground isn't really dirty if no one else
sees it fall. Girls like it when you kick and hit them. Columbus
discovered America. When someone is crying, it helps to laugh at
them. You shouldn't drop acid right before lunch time. You are the
only one who can smell your farts. Welcome newcomers by letting them
eat alone. Ostracize anyone who is different from you. Santa doesn't
bring the Jewish kids presents. Marx's particular adaptation of the
Hegelian paradigm neglects to fully address the human social condition
in a world irrevocably altered by the inertia of bourgeoisie culture.
The best way to fortify your diet is by eating paste. If you really
want to be called on, raise your hand as high as you can and shake it
while making straining noises. Guinea pigs shit when you squeeze
them hard enough. And the man in the van has very salty candy.