How Juggling Will get you Girls!
by KudzuRayS. posted to rec.juggling in reply to the question:
"I'm just wondering this, because girls seem to be impressed when I juggle for them. I wonder though, if I keep getting better will juggling help me get girls when I go to college next year...not that I need any help."
Will juggling get you chicks? Oh, yeah! Absolutely. You've stumbled upon the juggling world's best kept secret: Good juggling will attract loads of sexual partners. Mobs of them. Some previous posts were very nicely done bits of misinformation, written to intentionally mislead you and done in the best style of the ancient, secretive juggling tradition. But I think we've kept this aspect of juggling covered up long enough, haven't we? Why don't we all just tell the truth for once?
Every juggler will deny it, and I'm going to be flamed big-time for telling the public about this, but juggling is the world's greatest aphrodisiac. When done well, it will turn you into a fast throwing, hard breathing sex magnet. I'm not making this up. In fact I'm risking my marriage to bring you this information, but it's the absolute truth! Everyone knows it but nobody is supposed to talk about it. Take, for example, the "razor sharp knives" and "dangerous flaming torches of death" tricks, we all know those are scams but they bring in fresh juggling groupies by the truck loads! Why else would anyone do those tricks?
All male jugglers know how hard it is to practice at festivals because women keep throwing their room keys into our patterns and stuffing notes in our prop bags and gym shorts, right? But we just don't talk about it. The IJA has even formed a committee to keep this secret, it's called the "gag rule" and we pretend that means something else, but I believe it's time we tell the world the whole sordid truth about juggling.
Now I've blown the cover off juggling's deepest, darkest secret. So if you're juggling in public now and women aren't knocking you over and throwing themselves on the ground in front of you, then you must be doing something very wrong. That just means you have to spend more time practicing. Get into a gym or go into your room and start practicing, stay up all night, don't worry about minor things like your studies, a job, eating, sleeping, or bathing, just keep practicing. Forget about dance lessons or social skills, you won't need them at all. Just practice juggling. That's all there is to it.
You don't believe me? You want scientific proof? No problem. Look up birth rate statistics in the 1999 edition of "Statistics for Dummies". They clearly show a sharp, previously unexplained rise in births around March 20th each year, EXACTLY NINE MONTHS AFTER WORLD JUGGLING DAY! It's not a coincidence. It's undeniable. The truth is out there. Why else would the well-known hedonist Penn Gillette (of Penn & Teller) be the WJD chairjuggler, hmmm?
And to the rest of the juggling world: Look, people, we need to warn newbies that juggling will immediately cause a rapid, nearly uncontrollable increase in their sexual activity. I believe we should put a note about this in the FAQ and require all juggling gear vendors to attach warning labels on their props. In this era of STD's and site swaps it's unethical not to caution newcomers. Some high school and college aged boys may not want to participate in activities which will inevitably lead to large numbers of sexual conquests with multiple partners.
The Masked Juggler - Exposing Juggling's Greatest Secrets